Ok so I need to just get this off my chest I think. Well I
think its pretty clear that I need to get it off my chest since, its 3 am and I woke up crying and then couldn’t fall back asleep no for almost an hour
while my mind raced around an event that happened to me back in high school; an
event that although was not nearly the most traumatic, scariest, or craziest
event in my life it was probably the most publicly humiliating event in my
life, and the first time I felt truly alone; an event about pants.
When I was in high school I had learned that you don’t need
millions of friends as long as you had 1 or 2 really good ones, and that’s what
I had, in fact through my entire K-12 career I can count on 1 hand how many
friends I had. I was, and still am completely fine with this, however my school
was very cliquey, to the point where even if I was friends with one person, it
was like we were never truly aloud to be friends, because I wasn’t friends with
the 20 other people in their clique, which again was fine other than high
school lunch. In elementary and middle school, you sat with your class, in high
school you sat where you wanted. Oh the freedom! Well not if the 3 friends you
have happen to be in different lunches. I avoided high school lunch my freshman
and sophomore year by over filling my class schedule, but as a junior I dropped
my music classes in order to get a break during the day. Lunch was anything
but. I had to sit in a cafeteria full of people I didn’t know, I wasn’t aloud
to leave once I was finished eating to go to the library or gym. Some kids had
notes from their parents that aloud them to leave campus entirely and go eat
lunch elsewhere, but no such luck on my end. So I was stuck. I found quickly
that the girls in my school were much more cliquey than the guys, and if I
found a table of all boys, they would be more welcoming to allowing me to sit
with them if they had room. This lead to me bouncing around from one table to
the next, depending on which table had someone who was out sick, or skipping
that day, and meeting some pretty interesting characters. Although I got along
with the people I sat with, I cant remember any of their names which goes to
show either how terrible my memory is, or just how much we actually interacted.
Another important back story fact is that I was known as the
girl who never wore jeans. Every day I would wear yoga pants, or sweatpants,
but never anything else. I was a swimmer, and trying to squeeze into a pair of
jeans in 5 minutes when your still somewhat wet, just isn’t going to happen.
Plus yoga pants and sweat pants were just so comfortable, I never saw the point
in wearing anything else. Until this one time…
Everything happened in one day at lunch. There was an upper
level to our cafeteria where you could get snacks and where all the upperclassmen
sat, and then there was the lower level with the lunch line and the
lowerclassmen. I normally only had enough money to buy a soft pretzel for lunch
which was on the upper level, so here I was in line for a soft pretzel when a
girl from the soccer team came up to me to comment on my pants. Told me they
were cute or something. Honestly, she and I had been practicing soccer together
now for 2 years, but had ever exchanged a single word, so her comment on my
pants caught me off guard, but I thanked her and went about getting my pretzel.
A second later, she was gone, and another girl from her table was behind me
playing 20 questions with me about these pants. Asking me when I got them and
what store, and where was the store, but her entire body language wasn’t “hey,
cute pants! Where did you get them so I can get some?” it was almost scary in
the way she was asking, like she was angry that I was answering. After about 2
minutes the girl from my soccer team waved her back over to the table and I got
my pretzel and went to find a table. I kept feeling watched, and I was right
because once I found a table I snuck a peak up at the table with the girls and
saw a few of them looking over at me; and not the “don’t let them see me
looking at them” look, this was full on, evil stares that they didn’t care if I
or anyone else saw. I wasn’t sure what was coming next, but I had been on the
tail end of enough high school humiliation to know that something bad was going
to happen before the end of the lunch hour. I snuck my chance when the lunch
line was long using it as cover to move to another table. I hid right along the
wall to the upper level at a table with people I didn’t know. Apparently one of
them knew me and came over to ask what I was doing? Not in a mean way just a
hey, you’ve never sat here before what’s up kind of way. I told him the wall
was the most comfy place to sit because it gives you a chair with back support
and he sat with his back to the wall with me making idle chatter, and
everything was fine. Everything was fine until there were about 20 minutes left
to lunch.
A girl from the previously mentioned table came up to me and
started yelling at me that I stole the pants I was wearing. They were not mine
and I should give them back. I was a bit dumbfounded and shocked at first
because this is not exactly the type of thing I was expecting. My dumbfounded
look must have angered her because it made her yell louder. The fact that she
was accusing me of stealing her pants had now sunk in, and so I stood up and
try to tell her that I had not stolen them. Bad move. Girls from all over the
cafeteria started coming up to me, and telling me I had stolen their pants too.
There was no point in arguing with these people so I sat back down and ignored
them. Eventually some got tired of yelling and others were told to go sit down
by the cafeteria aids. But don’t be fooled, my sitting down was yet another bad
move. One of the guys from the original girls table came down. Funny thing is that
I knew this guy, I knew most of the guys in the school, especially the jocks,
because my dad helped train most of them, so I would workout with most of them and
I would help some plan their nutrition (only wrestlers needed the nutrition
really). Being that I knew him I
thought maybe he was coming to see what the yelling was about, see that it was
me and that would be that, but apparently not. These girls either honestly
thought I stole their pants, or they were playing one of the worst jokes in the
history of high school pranks in the world. My friend leans in and asks did you
steal her pants? I told him no. He asks if I am sure because his friends (the
girls) are pretty convinced? Again I assure him that no I had not. Then he
flips. He starts shouting to tell me they showed him evidence that it was me
who had stolen the pants. As soon as he starts yelling 2 more guys come down,
along with all of the original girls and a few new ones. Every single one of
them looks pissed, and I know that if they wanted to they could kick my ass.
(haha especially with the odds now being something like 10-1). Needless to say,
I’m pretty scared especially since the group seems to be closing in one me. So
I start looking for an exit strategy. I scrambled under the table I had been
sitting at and crawled out the other end, my shirt covered in cafeteria food,
only to have the head disciplinarian waiting for me at the other end looking
pissed. At some point I must have started crying because I remember being
paraded through the cafeteria by him with people laughing both at my food
covered outfit, and the fact that I cried. He took me back to his office where
he started berating me with questions about the pants. Finally I told him that
honestly if this was all about a pair of jeans, that I would gladly get rid of
them if I could go get some sweatpants from my locker. Honestly they were the
only jeans that I owned, and I had gotten them with a gift certificate to a
store that priced jeans so high they cost more than what I spend in groceries a
week now. I didn’t really want to
get rid of them because I had found a pair of jeans I liked, they were super
soft like leggings, and they were from a really cool store, and they fit me
really well, so I felt good wearing them. But nothing could make me want to
live getting screamed at by what felt like ½ the cafeteria while the other half
watched. Nothing made me want to see people that I thought were at least
friendly acquaintances scream and yell at me humiliating me in front of
everyone.
I felt alone because everyone had a group; a tight knit
group that would back them up no matter what. And when I was trapped by all
these groups, there was no one left to have my back. I was amazed at the level
of commitment that these people had to their friends; that they would gang up
on one person based on a half truth, and I wanted nothing more than to have
friends like that; someone to have my back when I needed it, or go to war for
me on a whim. I thought that was amazing, because I had never had that.
This is what woke me up tonight. This is what stopped me
from falling back asleep. An event from years ago, that was not the most painful, devastating, or hurtful, but probably one of the most humiliating and the first
time I felt truly alone. I write this because 1 I couldn’t sleep and I wanted
to get this off my chest, but 2
because I am sure that I am not the only person who has gone through this, or
is going through this, or will ever go through this, and I just want you all to
know that it does get better. This is the first time since the week of the incident
that I have even thought about it. It will pass. Things will work out. I
promise.
