Lets talk about it! I’ve mentioned before that I have had quite a few of these. The first time I was scared out of my mind but I had already given birth once and figured out immediately what was going on. What I did not know was that I had to go to the hospital for it to make sure everything came out
– yes I am going to talk about it, so if you are already getting woozy, than you had better turn away. (If you have just recently had a miscarriage and you are still processing, I suggest scrolling to about mid post where I start talking about how I processed, Ill put a big break in the post so you know where to go this first half is stats, and some ranting that probably isn’t going to help you at all) But it’s the idea that we cant talk about it that had me hide my first one from EVERYONE including my doctors for years!-
Since I didn’t know, I didn’t go. My best friend/roommate/sister from and another mister was the only one to find out about it a week later when she finally dragged me out from the hole of sorrow and misery I made for myself. The second time was different, I was with my husband and we were trying desperately to have a child. Because of our constant monitoring we found out we were pregnant about 1 week before my period, but a week later my period came and with it some of the worst cramps. We went to see the doctor the next day who did a pregnancy test, but because my HCG levels were still high enough I was told I was still pregnant. Unfortunately they were not cramps and I was not still pregnant, I was having a miscarriage. I found out 2 days later when I went back to the doctors to double check. My husband and I both were devastated, we had already been trying for so long and our first shot died before it even started, so needles to say it took us a while to get ourselves together and try again. When we did though it happened again. This time I figured out what was happening almost right away. Everything that happened the last time was happening again. I had a positive pregnancy test (which i decided not to share right away and wait until I missed my period), but a week later the cramping, backaches, and bleeding were all there again too. I was super embarrassed. We had told everyone about the first pregnancy too early, and then had to give everyone the bad news, and now less than a year later, I was supposed to tell them my body had killed another. All of my male centered societal thoughts came jumping into my head “as a woman I’m supposed to have kids and I cant even do that” “what if he leaves me because I cant have kids” “what will his parents think of me” "what will my parents think of me?"“My entire body is built around having children and it cant do it, what can I do?” “It must be a sign that Im a terrible mother” and so on and so forth, and that’s when I started researching, more about miscarriages.
Did you know:
- 70-75% of all fertilized eggs fail to implant and end in miscarriage
- 31% of implanted eggs end in miscarriage
- 10-20% of all confirmed pregnancies end in miscarriage with 80% happening in the first trimester
- After your first miscarriage, your odds of miscarrying during your next pregnancy go up 20%
- That number doubles if you’ve had 2 miscarriages to 43%
Most women, don’t even know they have had a miscarriage unless they are constantly testing (like we were). They fall into that 70-75%, or 31% because unless we are trying a lot of us don’t know to test until we’ve had a missed period, assuming we miss one because you don’t always miss your first either. Women who do know aren’t going to be sharing that news with everyone either, because weather we want to admit it or not the idea that our bodies cant do, literally the one thing a female body is designed to do is devastating.
*Side note and disclaimer: I am not saying that choosing to not have kids means that you cant do anything else. That is so very far from what I am saying. If you don’t want to have children and you want to do something else, go for it! I honestly believe you can do whatever you put your mind to, and applaud every individuals strengths and choices. Lets look at evolution though, the only way to continue a species and evolve is to have children, and lets look at the female body. The breasts we have are there to feed children. The vagina we have is there as an opening for the male counter part to begin fertilization. I mean we’ve all had health class. I don’t need to go over the entire anatomy but here’s something you may not have known. Women on average have worse circulation than men, – this is why we are always colder and have higher heart disease rates and such- but did you know that this is because our circulatory system was designed to get blood to our womb before the rest of our body. Granted if you are not pregnant the blood isn’t going to stay in your womb or anything, but it still passes by there first just in case. So yea as a female your body is physically designed to do 1 thing, have kids- everything else you do is extra.
On top of physiologically not being able to do what we are meant to do, we are raised in a society that tells us we should have kids (I’ve already stated that I am not for this idea and do not support it, but it’s the reality in which I and many others grew up in), so now we feel we aren’t suitable for society either. This can be devastating and heart breaking.
What I can say is that after taking the time to REALLY let myself heal, and becoming ok with the fact that having my own child may not be a possibility, life became a whole lot easier, and the healing process sped up. I never gave up hope or stopped trying, but I also became ok with the fact that no matter how hard I tried I would always have a greater risk of not giving birth to my own child than some other women. If you are a fighter like so many of us who wont give up click here to read some of the things my husband and I did to help increase our chances.
Here’s how I dealt with the pain.
First of all, know that you are not alone. Here are some websites that talk about the normal emotions and reactions we have after this kind of loss:
Did you know there are online and in person support groups, and events/meetups:
Along with finding support from others, I needed to allow me to help me, and regain some faith in my abilities. I am a huge fan of holistic health, specifically essential oils, so here as some of the ones that I used.
Console is a blend of frankincense resin, patchouli leaf, ylang ylang flower, labdanum stem/twig, amyris bark, sandalwood wood, rose flower, and osmanthus flower blended to help you close the door on sadness and take your first steps on a hopeful path toward emotional healing. It promotes feelings of comfort and hope and counteracts negative emotions of grief, sadness, and hopelessness.
I used this anytime I felt the overwhelming need to cry or when I just felt sad, which lets be honest was more often than not. For the first month this was used nonstop. Anytime I felt I needed a hug, but wasn’t somewhere where I could get one, I would apply console. I applied it to my pulse points, so on both wrists, on my neck and over my heart.
Cheer is a blend of wild orange peel, clove bud, star anise fruit/seed, lemon myrtle leaf, nutmeg kernel, vanilla bean extract, ginger rhizome, cinnamon bark, and zdravetz herb that can counteract negative emotions and provide a boost of happiness and positivity when you are feeling down. Everyone knows a bright disposition and cheerful attitude can smooth over many of the bumps and challenges of life, right? But, sometimes no amount of positive self-talk is enough to avoid the blues. Its sunshiny, fresh, optimistic aroma will brighten any moment of your day by promoting feelings of optimism, cheerfulness, and happiness, and counteracting negative emotions of feeling down, blue, or low.
I used cheer in combination with motivate (ill cover this blend next) anytime I had to leave the house and be around people when I just really couldn’t stomach it but felt obligated to like work. I would put cheer behind one ear and motivate behind the other to help motivate me to be cheerful around others when really I wanted to curl up in bed with a pint of ice cream and a warm compress.
Motivate is a blend of peppermint plant, clementine peel, coriander seed, basil herb, yuzu peel, melissa leaf, rosemary leaf, and vanilla bean absolute which replace negative emotions like guilt and pessimism, with feelings of confidence and courage. It will help you find the courage that comes from believing in yourself again. It promotes feelings of confidence, courage, and belief while counteracting negative emotions of doubt, pessimism, and cynicism.
I used motivate in combination with cheer by applying cheer behind one ear and motivate behind the other to create a pleasant aroma that was therapeutic to me as well. Honestly I had little to no motivation for the following 1-3 months after each loss, so motivate became a part of my daily routine to help get me out of bed and focusing on other things.
Balance is a blend of spruce leaf, ho wood leaf, frankincense resin, blue tansy flower, blue chamomile flower, and osmanthus flower essential oils in a base of fractionated coconut oil designed to create a grounded feeling of calm and wellbeing, bringing harmony to the mind and body, and balance to the emotions. It promotes a whole-body sense of relaxation, helps ease anxious feelings, and evokes feelings of tranquility and balance.
I used this everyday as a mood stabilizer. I would apply it to the bottoms of my feet as well as in my deodorant to my armpits (PS it smells pretty good and doesn’t irritate sensitive skin areas like armpits). I discovered this oil blend with motivate just wasn’t enough. Balance is a mood stabilizer so all feeling of anxiety and or depression were stabilized with this blend, which then aloud me to feel the effects of Motivate and Cheer more fully.
Forgive is a blend of spruce leaf, bergamot peel, juniper berry fruit, myrrh resin, arborvitae wood, nootka tree wood, thyme leaf, and citronella herb to create a renewing blend that helps to counteract emotions of anger and guilt, while promoting the liberating feelings of contentment, relief, and patience. It promotes feelings of contentment, relief, and patience, while counteracting negative emotions of anger and guilt. When you are ready to move forward, this blend of tree and herb essential oils will help you discover the liberating action of forgiving, forgetting, and moving on.
This was a big one for me, that I didn’t even know I needed at first. Once I had taken the time to realize that a lot of my residual grief was coming the fact that I was blaming myself for the loss I had to confront this and let my self heal from it. I am not a big bath person, but Forgive baths became my thing. 30-45 minutes at the end of the day in a hot bath and 1 drop of forgive in the bath with another drop in the diffuser (sometimes I would add console or peace to the diffuser a well) and I would just let myself cry. Not the crazy cry that can make things worse a cry of release that ends with more clarity. Sometimes there were no tears, just deep contemplation in remembering what happened, and coming to terms with it. Forgive helped open me up to moving on from the pain and being ok with myself again.
Peace is a blend of vetiver root, lavender flower, ylang ylang flower, frankincense resin, clary sage flower, marjoram leaf, labdanum leaf/stalk, and spearmint herb used to promote feelings of contentment, composure, and reassurance when anxious feelings overwhelm your emotions. This oil is a positive reminder you don’t have to be perfect to find peace. It promotes feelings of peace, reassurance, and contentment while counteracting anxious and fearful emotions. Slow down, take a deep breath, and reconnect with the composed, collected you. Everything turning out fine begins with believing it will. *side note- this blend also helps promote fertility.
This is one that I would use in conjunction with balance on pulse points (wrists and neck) to help calm my haywire emotions and help me find some peace within myself. I later found out that a side effect is increased fertility, and so this became a long term oil for me to help improve my chances of conceiving.
Hope is a blend of fractionated coconut oil, bergamot fruit, ylang ylang flower, frankincense oil, and vanilla bean absolute designed to uplift your mood with a bright, fresh, scent.
I used this once I was ready to try again. I applied it to my neck and wrists not only as my perfume, but each time I smelled it, I was reminded that I have another chance.
If you are struggling with loss or grief you can contact me through this blog or privately through my website www.beyoutfit.com and I will help you find the tools you need to process your emotions and help you find peace. This is not an easy thing to process alone; let me help.
Here's where I got the statistics used earlier (yes I know its a blog, its also doctor reviewed)